catholic crosse religious

Its definitely true that sometimes people write what they find is hard to say
But sometimes I just wish it was easier to say how I feel especially on days like today... Iapos;ve felt so out of whack today with everything thats going on.. Stuff I would rather put behind me and never have to remember again but sadly everyday some reminder happens that brings me back to the reality that yup it did really happen..

I did make those decisions that have put me in the worst situation the past year.... I know I have to learn from my mistakes but why oh why do they have to keep haunting me.. By haunting me I mean that I feel like some of history is repeating itself in a way... Maybe its just me and the way im taking things? who knows? �I made the decision to March again as I missed the sport, I missed looking forward to the fun of being on the field, The enjoyment I got out of competiting weither I won or lost I didnt care as long as I learnt from my mistakes and knew what to improve on. So I make the big decision to go back after 8 years off...�

Tried one team found it wasnt for me so instead of losing hope and faith I tried another and found that ok I like the feel of the team and I like the dynamics and the seem open and friendly... Which after marching for so long and going through what ive been through I know what I want and how I want to work in a team, so this was great I felt so at home with this team and felt that even though I have had 7-8 seasons away from the sport that it wouldnapos;t take me long to get back up to a high standard as long as I worked hard at home and at training. This is something I highly believe in, you put in training at home as well in order to get it right when at training with the team... So not only have I been working hard at training trying to improve and get back to the standard I was but I have been training at home and driving everyone in the place crazy as well with my training at home lol.

Lately I feel that no matter how hard I train weither it be at team training or at home, Im still not up to the high standard I was and that no matter how hard i try, as soon as someone better comes along I wont be in the bits I enjoy and feel happy doing. Because im not good enough and "too big" without even being told that its the way im feeling and the feelings im picking up from people around me, or some of them anyways.

In a way it reminds me of my first season in seniors when I had to deal with so much crap from members etc and only had the coach and chaperone for support. This time though its like I have support from team members but I only disappoint and annoy everyone else... It sucks feeling like this, They dont know me from a bar of soap and arent even trying too or wanting to for that matter :( In a way it feels like im a lil black sheep in the team so to speak.

Today doesnapos;t help either the way The fernz team etc was bought up. Its like its all my fault why did i even think about bringing out a team? I feel like ive just made the worst decision ever and then on top of that i was made to feel like i wouldnt know what im doing etc by the tone of voice etc that was used when it was bought up... Gawd its not as if i dont know what im doing or who to contact about it all... But seriously i feel like absolute shite now after what was said.... And feel like everything is my fault... *sob*

Talk about the crappiest day ever, cos on top of all that im still having to deal with the Pam saga and what she has done to my life. I have to see the doctor on friday afternoon to get forms done for winz and a medical cert for marching and for the courts to prove what has been diagnosed etc... Sometimes I wish I had never met pam because I would still have the normal life I had, I would still have my job in chch, be successfully coming to the end of �year 3 of my degree and not having to live with mum... Instead I went to wellington believing life could be what I had and more with someone i believed to be an awesome friend only to learn once i got there she had bipolar and would do things but say another and then not remember either... But then pin me for it all.. Wouldnt take meds and be completely scary in some aspects... Its no wonder I was diagnosed with a stress and anxiety disorder... Heck im surprised im not worse then I am lol..�

But the good �thing being is i got out of it I came to realise i needed to come home to chch, even if it ment living with mum :) So now Iapos;ve been here three months and slowly rebuilding life :) Im back doing a sport I love, hoping like hell i can continue that love by coaching a team this season too... And even slowly making friends i feel i can trust etc...�

I guess its just sometimes when people say things you just a down day etc...�

well i guess i should head to bed its been a long day...�





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